March 4, 1937 - December 20, 2010

Last night, at 7:15pm, my mother finished her fight on this earth. God sent his angels and family members to usher my mother home. She'd been sick for the past six years, with this last year being really taxing. She'd been in and out the hospital since November with an infection due to the port for her dialysis.

My mother was a strong woman, she fought til the bitter end. Even when her heart was slowing down, it would speed up for a second or so and start to slow down again. What had started out that morning was to be a meeting with her doctors for decisions on when to move her to hospice, ended with us saying goodbye.

She'd been on a ventilator for the past few days, that's when I knew it was close to the end. We met with the hospice care nurse and signed some paper work. I remained at my mother's side while my father left. He couldn't take it, it was too much for him. My sister went home to change her clothes and get food. I remained, holding her hand and having my last conversation with her.

They were ready to unhook everything by 4pm. I was going to let them do it, but then I felt that she wouldn't have held on long enough, so I asked if we could wait until my sister returned. By 5:30, my sister was back with two of our life long friends. At that point my mother was awake! Her eyes were fully open and she started squeezing my hand. We were talking, joking about old memories and she intently listened to everything.

At about 6pm, we finally removed everything. They gave her more morphine and an oxygen line and at that point we comforted my mother to sleep. Her breathing became more labored and shallow. My mommy went with a smile on her face. She knew everything was going to be ok. I felt her go through the gamut of emotions with no words. She was sad, afraid, content and happy within that hour. Once she knew we were ready to let her go, she was glad.

My mommy was strong, even at the time of her death, she shook her head for us to stop crying. She spent part of her last time on this earth consoling us. When she realized everything was going to be ok, she started closing her eyes. Before her eyes fully closed, she gave us a few smiles, squeezed our hands and went to sleep for good.

My sister said it seems like I went to the acceptance phase really quick. But I've been preparing myself ever since she returned to the hospital because in my spirit I just knew, but I was still in denial it was happening

My mother was always one for teaching and in those last moments she gave me one last lesson. I learned one thing about death. It wasn't about us, this was about her and us doing what she needed to be done at that moment. We needed to be sure she was comfortable and reassured that it was ok for her to go and not to worry about us.

My mommy held on for over 6 years, that's a long time to be sick and in pain. And the entire time she never complained, never fussed. I've been up most of the night crying, but more so the peace on her face when she went. At that moment I felt her love and her peace. She was ready to go with our blessings.

I will always remember the peaceful smile that crossed her face as she squeezed my hand that one last time. It is a beautiful memory. A beautiful memory for a beautiful person.

RIP, Mommy. I love you. I always will.
-

The Sit-down-hoe Award Goes To...

WASHINGTON — Nearly 20 years after Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment during his contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearings, Justice Thomas’s wife has called Ms. Hill, seeking an apology.

In a voice mail message left at 7:31 a.m. on Oct. 9, a Saturday, Virginia Thomas asked her husband’s former aide-turned-adversary to make amends. Ms. Hill played the recording, from her voice mail at Brandeis University, for The New York Times.

“Good morning Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas,” it said. “I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband.”

Ms. Thomas went on: “So give it some thought. And certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did. O.K., have a good day.”

Ms. Hill, in an interview, said she had kept the message for nearly a week trying to decide whether the caller really was Ms. Thomas or a prankster. Unsure, she said, she decided to turn it over to the Brandeis campus police with a request to convey it the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

“I thought it was certainly inappropriate,” Ms. Hill said. “It came in at 7:30 a.m. on my office phone from somebody I didn’t know, and she is asking for an apology. It was not invited. There was no background for it.”

In a statement conveyed through a publicist, Ms. Thomas confirmed leaving the message, which she portrayed as a peacemaking gesture. She did not explain its timing.

“I did place a call to Ms. Hill at her office extending an olive branch to her after all these years, in hopes that we could ultimately get past what happened so long ago,” she said. “That offer still stands. I would be very happy to meet and talk with her if she would be willing to do the same. Certainly no offense was ever intended.”

In response to Ms. Thomas’s statement, Ms. Hill said that she had testified truthfully about her experiences with the future Justice Thomas and that she had nothing to apologize for.

This heffa here!

She actually had the GALL to call Ms. Hill TWENTY years later after this incident to demand an apology? Get the fuck outta here with that bullshit! Not only did Ginni had the nerve to call her, she called her at HER JOB!

At her JOB!

If you're looking for a sure fire way to get that azz beat, call a sista's job starting some mess. I wonder what lead to this phone call? A fight in which Anita's name was brought up was probably the reason. I mean really, talk about not letting it go!

What on earth possessed Ginni to call her and at 7:30 in the morning at that! Has she been thinking all these years that Anita was lying? Even though Anita took a polygraph test and PASSED.

I briefly remember Anita sitting before the panel testifying what happened and the insults she took to her character during this and she never broke a sweat. She was called a liar, said she was romantically obsessed with Clarence Thomas and was even called a lesbian! o.O During the testifying, it was ol Long dong silver who looked like he was ready to throw up at any minute.

How is she offering an olive branch by demanding an apology? That doesn't sound right. So if I beat somebody up, I can demand an apology disguised as an attempt to make peace. "Hey, maybe you should apologize for bleeding all over my hands while I was kicking your ass!"

Then again I'm not surprised. Ol Ginni is a known tea party supporter and we all know how mentally unhinged some of that fringe can be.

The Sit down hoe award for 2010 goes to Ginni Thomas. Let it go chick, just let it go!

One Ass Whooping Needed

Parents: Dying Girl, 7, Taunted by Neighbors in Trenton

TRENTON, Mich. - Her family says 7-year-old Kathleen Edward is in the final stages of a degenerative brain disorder diagnosed as Huntington's Disease - the same disease which killed her mother, Laura, when she was only 24.

Neighbors Jennifer and Scott Petkov, who have been feuding with the family, admitted to posting grim depictions of Laura and Kathleen on Facebook. One photo depicts Laura in the arms of the grim reaper, while the other features Kathleen's face above a set of crossbones.

The couple also have a coffin hitched to a pick-up truck in front of the house, which they say is nothing more than a halloween decoration.

Police responded to the public feud Thursday, but no arrests were made.

The big question: why would someone do this? Police tell Ron Savage they have been called to this street before, dealing with long-standing "family-feud" issues.

A member of Kathleen's family says the bad blood started about two-years ago after the two families had a falling out over a birthday party at the Rose house. At the party kids were using a "bounce-house" and playing games in the front yard. The source says that Jennifer Petkov texted someone in the Rose family, asking if her kids could come to the event. A response to the text did not come quickly enough and it angered Jennifer. According to the Rose family, she's been harassing them ever since.

A rally for Kathleen Edward has been planned for Saturday, Oct. 23 from 3 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. at Haas Park in Trenton.

The invitation reads: "She has been tormented by sadistic neighbors. Please come and join us in showing Kathleen there are good people that care."

...

o.O

O.O

Wait a second.

Did I just read this right?

*blinks*

This family is taunting a little girl who is dying of the SAME disease that killed her mother over a fucking children's birthday party? Not only that, this rabid twat is posting made up death pics of the girl and her deceased mother on facebook!

*pointing* This shit right here!

This right here is the reason I once said we need jump squads. Just a group of random folks to pop out the woodwork and commence to beating some ass!

I got a dollar right here that I'm willing to bet that this family is the one on the block that is always keeping shit up. Kids outta control, getting drunk having loud parties and just disrespect other's property.

Just watching 2 minutes of this clip made ME want to jump through my monitor and slap the cowboy shit outta Jennifer. She seems like one of those people that would make my mother say, "she ain't had her ass beat yet!" Look at the smug ass expression on her face, this heffa thinks this shit is ok! AND SHE'S SOMEBODY'S MOTHER!

What kind of role model is she being to her child/children? If something upsets you, no matter how fucking petty, act like a bitch for personal satisfaction? PARENTING FAIL!

As of now, I bet she's had to shut down her facebook because I bet that thing blew up like the three mile island disaster! When I searched, it said this person didn't exist. Hell, her dumb ass is probably getting death threats!

This stupidity over WHY she's doing this just makes me facepalm. In fact, I give this hoe 5 doublefacepalms.

Technicolor Dreams and Their Meanings

I've been slowly getting myself back together after dealing with the ex. This morning, I had a rather vivid dream that I felt was telling me alot about my situation and myself. The dream was quite complex, but at the same time so beautiful that still thinking about it brings me to tears.

The dream starts as I'm at the last week of college. I've already graduated and I'm now preparing to venture out into life. My college had a drug ring going on. I caught wind of it and approached the Chancellor (read Dean) and told him what happened. The Chancellor didn't believe me and brushed me off as if I was making this up. The leader of the drug ring found out I was basically snitching and instead of killing me, gave me a very posh apartment on the promise that I'd never tell anyone else.

My male friend (let's call him John) had decided to move away to the 'city' with me. I'd mentioned Minneapolis once, but afterwards I just called it the city. Meanwhile there was a huge party on campus similar to a carnival. Students, professors, visitors all were dressed in costumes. I didn't have a costume on because I was leaving that same night. Somehow, I set the drug leader up to have the Chancellor overhear what he was talking about.

The Chancellor apologized to me profusely saying, "I'm so sorry. I didn't believe you. I should have believed you when you first told me." I shook his hand and left. To exit the building, I had to go through another room to reach the main door. The room was filled to the brim with scarves.

Scarves?

Yes, scarves.

Scarves all colors of the rainbow! Some were plain colors, others had designs, embroideries. Some were silk, others lace. Some were small and some were big. It was if I was dumped into a rainbow sea. It was very difficult to get through the room because I was slipping on scarves, slipping to the floor, sliding into the wall and finding myself upside down. It was almost confusing, but I pressed on. After basically swimming through the rainbow sea, I finally reached the door and exited the building.

Upon reaching outside, I saw my older sister! She told me she was leaving to head back to Chicago so she could make it back to work. In my hand I was holding a scarf that was white, with a green border design and in the middle inside a green box with white lettering it said: "Tory is going to be alright." She cooed over how beautiful the scarf was, tied it on her head and left.

I looked down and noticed I had scarves tied to me. I had purple scarves on my ankles, a gold one around my waist, blue ones on my wrists and I wore a red/gold scarf on my head. The red scarf was large and almost like a cowl/cape and had gold borders like an Aztec design. I started walking to the U-Haul truck where John was waiting for me. As I was walking, I started to sing.

"Ay, ay, ay, ay,
Canta y no llores,
Porque cantando se alegran,
Cielito lindo, los corazones."

As I'm singing and walking, a mariachi band comes across the street and starts playing and singing along! Now we're walking and singing and the colors start to stream from the scarves, leaving a rainbow trail behind me. Almost like spilled paint, the colors pool through the air, floating as we're singing and walking. I continue to walk and the band only follows so far. As they stop and continue to play, I walk off leaving the trail of rainbows as I get into the U-Haul with John and drive away.

The colors were so beautiful and the peaceful feeling I had left me waking up in tears. Even now as I recall the dream, I start to tear up. I'm tearing up as I'm typing this. I think the dream represents the situation I'm currently going through with my ex.

About a year ago, he dumped me TWICE, but continued to hang on as if nothing had changed. Of course, me having feelings for him was content with the situation. About that same time, about a month after being dumped, I met John. John has become like my companion because we do alot of silly stuff together. John has recently got out of a jacked up relationship himself.

This is how I felt the dream went.

John = Helping me move on. Hence the U-Haul truck and just going to the 'city' The city could represent anything like life, new place, new place IN life.

Chancellor = my ex. Because my ex had dumped me twice, but kept holding on because every time I wanted to part ways for good, he would either not listen or just hang on.

Scarves = I was told these could represent various chakras.

• Purple - Chakra 6: Ajna The sixth chakra is located between the eyebrows at the third eye position relating to mind, intuition, and heightened self awareness. Violet is the color here. Insufficient amounts of energy here can cause a person to be oversensitive and afraid of success.
• Blue - Chakra 5: Vishuddha The fifth chakra is located at the throat and relates to communication, creativity, and self identification. The color here is blue. A blocked chakra here can cause a person to be devious and manipulative.
• Gold - Chakra 3: Manipura The third chakra is located at the solar plexus and relates to will, power, and social identification. This chakra's color is yellow. A lack of energy here may result in depression and confusion. This was the most interesting because the yellow scarf is tied around my waist in the dream!
• Red - Chakra 1: Muladhara The root chakra is located at the base of the spine. This chakra deals with human potential, primitive energy, basic survival needs and our foundations. Red is the color associated with this chakra. A significant lack of energy here can make people weak and self-destructive.
• Green - (the scarf I gave my sister) Chakra 4: Anahata The fourth chakra is located over the heart and relates to love, balance, compassion, and self expression. Green, and sometimes pink, is the color of this chakra. Little energy in this chakra may cause paranoia and indecision.

Sea of scarves = this represents me dealing with the finality of finally cutting the ex off for good. The struggle of getting through the room is the three years I struggled with trying to decide whether to continue the relationship or not.

Singing in Spanish = The translation for what I was singing was, sing, don't cry, because heavenly one, singing gladdens the heart.

I'm still analyzing this dream and what it means, but even if it doesn't mean anything, it was simply beautiful. I doubt I will ever see colors like this with my eyes, but I would love to.

I feel tons better now. I haven't cried about my ex or really thought about him. Today represents the last day I will allow myself to mourn over this. Maybe the dream was to let me know it's ok to move on and I will really be alright.

Maybe...

The Risk of Being in Love

Tonight, I've had the shittiest night in a long time. Tonight, I finally had "the talk" with my semi-ex boyfriend of six years. We've (er I) finally decided that this couldn't continue anymore.

As most relationships, ours was pretty rock solid. We rarely argued and if we did we would agree to disagree and leave it at that. He never raised his voice to me, never called me out my name and anytime we were together I felt as safe as anyone could.

There was just one thing.

The relationship wasn't going anywhere. When I mean anywhere, I mean anywhere. After six years we were still in the same stage that we were as when we first got together. It was fine for me when I was in my 20's, I wasn't worried about the future, being a wife or having kids. Now that I'm 33, soon to be 34 this year, my mind has started to change in that aspect a bit. He's already been married before and has two children in college now, so he's done that already.

Well, maybe there wasn't one thing, more like two things...

Over the course of our relationship, he became a Christian, a rabid, Christian. Arguments started to pop up because he didn't like any of my gay friends and was always telling people that they were going to go to hell because of their lifestyle. My mother had warned me to break it off then because this was going to be a cause in our relationship failure. I didn't listen, I loved him too much.

Then last year on Valentine's day of all days, he dropped a bomb on me. He decided he was going to be celibate. Now, I questioned this because I felt like this: If I give a man a cookie every day at noon, after a while he's going to look forward to that cookie. Now all of a sudden because I have diabetes, I'm not giving anymore cookies. What does my diabetes have to do with giving him cookies?! See what I mean? So that was the first break.

Fast forward to New Years, he told me he was going to just leave me alone, basically dumping me TWICE in a year. You would think that being dumped meant he'd leave me alone. No. We continued as if we were still together until I started piecing things together. He was emotionally manipulating me into staying.

I finally grew a pair and told him tonight that this was it. Guess what his retaliation was? I LOVE YOU.

In the SIX years we were together, he never said that! But now that I'm killing all contact NOW he says it? That was when I TRULY realized he was emotionally manipulating me the entire time.

I've been crying for the past 4 hours, but I realize that this was the best thing to do.

I hate love, I hate relationships because all logical thought gets thrown into the wind and this just proved my point.

Ugh!

I'm Back!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I realized lately that I haven't blogged anything since last year!

WTF was up with that?

Well, things really haven't changed since I last posted. I'm still working out, er well trying to. I'm having issues with trying to get my rheumatoid arthritis in check. Now that my grinding pain has stopped in my knees thanks to these new supplements, I can now feel which parts of my legs are sorely undeveloped and now I have to arrange my lower body plan to strengthen these parts.

I did some research and found that Turmeric is VERY good for keeping arthritis flares down. Within TWO days of taking the Turmeric supplements, my grinding pain was GONE and hasn't come back since! I wish I'd heard about this years earlier before the deterioration became so bad I could barely walk.

I'm also taking green tea, alpha lipioc acid supplements. The green tea gives me a little boost and the ALA is REALLY helping my skin stay clear. The only gross thing is the ALA made me shed like a lizard the first 2 weeks. I was able to take a knife and just peel skin off my hands and fingers. GROSS!

So, still jobless, still fat (just not as I was before), still in school. I have no choice but to keep it moving. That's what I'm good at and I'll have to keep doing it until I get...somewhere.

Rant of the Month

Ok, I'm gonna rant for a second here...

I have been part of the millions that have had the unfortunate problem of being unemployed. I was once working for Chase bank, when they decided to send the entire department I was working in to India. Now, instead of transitioning employees to other positions, or giving us the option of posting out, these bastards keep the information secret and suddenly started firing people left and right.

The week before I was fired, I'd just had my review. I had the highest marks for my area and was even given a raise. I had no errors, no write ups on record and that very next week (the DAY before we were off for Thanksgiving) I was fired for having errors.

Yeah, right.

I just was reviewed the week before and in one week I managed to go from being the "best employee on the floor" to fired?!

Which brings me to this.

If I hear one more person bitch about their job and how they hate their job, I'm going to put both thumbs over their throat and press.

HARD.

I'm going to keep pressing until they black the fuck out and then I'm going to kick them repeatedly.

I have been looking for a job for OVER TWO FUCKING YEARS and hearing people bitch and moan about the jobs they do have, when I have none makes me slightly irritated.

I've been borderline homeless and have almost lost my car and everything else and you want to bitch about a job?! Something I've been looking for for fucking ever?!

I shit you not, I post over 10 resumes on a daily basis for the past 2 years and more often than not, these job postings are scammy, stupid or on plain bullshit.

I made an office manager cry because he called me for an interview and in 2 hours later he called me back to say the job was already filled?!

What the fuck?!

By the time I was done talking, the man was in tears because he'd got my fucking hopes up about a job, only to take it away a mere 2 hours later.

I know the right one is around the corner, but I'm getting antsy and the boredom is driving me insane!