Tonight, I've had the shittiest night in a long time. Tonight, I finally had "the talk" with my semi-ex boyfriend of six years. We've (er I) finally decided that this couldn't continue anymore.
As most relationships, ours was pretty rock solid. We rarely argued and if we did we would agree to disagree and leave it at that. He never raised his voice to me, never called me out my name and anytime we were together I felt as safe as anyone could.
There was just one thing.
The relationship wasn't going anywhere. When I mean anywhere, I mean anywhere. After six years we were still in the same stage that we were as when we first got together. It was fine for me when I was in my 20's, I wasn't worried about the future, being a wife or having kids. Now that I'm 33, soon to be 34 this year, my mind has started to change in that aspect a bit. He's already been married before and has two children in college now, so he's done that already.
Well, maybe there wasn't one thing, more like two things...
Over the course of our relationship, he became a Christian, a rabid, Christian. Arguments started to pop up because he didn't like any of my gay friends and was always telling people that they were going to go to hell because of their lifestyle. My mother had warned me to break it off then because this was going to be a cause in our relationship failure. I didn't listen, I loved him too much.
Then last year on Valentine's day of all days, he dropped a bomb on me. He decided he was going to be celibate. Now, I questioned this because I felt like this: If I give a man a cookie every day at noon, after a while he's going to look forward to that cookie. Now all of a sudden because I have diabetes, I'm not giving anymore cookies. What does my diabetes have to do with giving him cookies?! See what I mean? So that was the first break.
Fast forward to New Years, he told me he was going to just leave me alone, basically dumping me TWICE in a year. You would think that being dumped meant he'd leave me alone. No. We continued as if we were still together until I started piecing things together. He was emotionally manipulating me into staying.
I finally grew a pair and told him tonight that this was it. Guess what his retaliation was? I LOVE YOU.
In the SIX years we were together, he never said that! But now that I'm killing all contact NOW he says it? That was when I TRULY realized he was emotionally manipulating me the entire time.
I've been crying for the past 4 hours, but I realize that this was the best thing to do.
I hate love, I hate relationships because all logical thought gets thrown into the wind and this just proved my point.
Ugh!
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